7:21am Phil

Good Morning Sass.  Trying to figure what God is trying to tell me and have not a clue. I adore The Beach Gal but I am aware that her choices may have devastating impact. She says she chose me and seems committed. We have been here before.  I saw her in July and everything was normal, we were loving and laughing, I met her Mom and Sisters, we were talking about a future.  I found out that she was already talking to Floyd and he was hitting on her pretty hard.  That continued until October when it became a full flown relationship. He just showed up at her door.  That only happens when you give out your address, which she has done before, I watched her do it once and yanked it out of the guy’s hand after shoving him into a wall.  If she gets lonely, she ends up in the bars and she gets stupid.  She was in one the other night, hammered.  she got all upset cause my wife and I went shopping for my kid for Christmas.  She drank 20 something beers and had to be brought home. That’s how she ends up with some bar fly cause she gets flirty and they take that as interest or a player and now we have a problem Houston. I’m not going to be there till late next year or so and that’s a lot of time alone between then and now. If one of those guys had been a keeper, good hard working guy, would not have bothered me as much. Both guys were absolute creeps. Her best friend says she was paying me back for lack of attention or something and that she picks guys like that cause she knows they are not keepers and she thinks I’ll come right back. I don’t know.  I can deal with depression, I can deal with drinking, I can hold that down I think, I’ve tried in the past and failed but I can’t deal with other guys. Problem is I love her so bad it hurts. My heart says yes, yes, yes – ,my brain keeps saying you better think about this. Do you say fuck you brain and go with your heart?  What say you OH Guru of relationships.  I’ll see The Beach Gal next week. First time since June.  That will tell a lot.  Does it still feel the same, do I feel distant, does it bother me that another guy slept there, ate there as recently as a month ago. Does she still look at me the same?  Is the hug still as powerful as it always has been? Lot of questions will be answered within the first ten minutes I think.

7:29am Phil

I’m going to stop and see Fred as well.  Coffee in a very public place.  Not making the mistake of going to her place or anywhere remotely private.  Don’t trust myself in that environment and not nearly ready to open that can. I’d like to see her, see what’s there, see how we look at each other. I know she would welcome me into her bed and into her life and she’s a perfect fit for my family. She would fit right in. The Beach Gal…. I’m not so sure.  She bats her eyelashes, gets too close to the men, makes the other women uncomfortable. My brain is a dangerous thing, gets me in trouble but its also saved my ass. Life should be simpler.  Probably would not be as much fun.  

How was your evening sweet girl?

Found myself at the rainforest bar having a beer last night, I like that place, tropical and restful.  

Have a great day Sass.

8:40am Phil

I talk to that silly girl though and she just makes me laugh!  What are your plans today?  I hope something fun!

9:02am

Good morning!  My, my…so many thoughts swirling! I will think and say more later.  I’m off to meet an electrician for lunch.  Maybe I’ll get kissed.  Have a grand day!

9:06am Phil

Ooooh, have fun.  If you get kissed, I want to hear about it.

2:07pm Phil

Welllllllllllllllllllll?

2:22pm

😉

2:22pm Phil

Does that mean a kiss?

dish dish dish

2:31pm Phil

awwwwww, hope that means the fun continues.

2:40pm Phil

Have fun sweet girl!

4:42pm Phil

You not talking to me any more?

4:43pm

Hiya… thanks of asking.  Sorry…takes me awhile to figure out what I think. I will note for the record that you don’t even tell me when you are seeing your ladies and leave me alone for days to wonder!  Promise to do better on that front?

4:44pm Phil

I will do better.  I don’t mean to ignore you.

Going next week. Very excited about seeing The Beach Gal. Apprehensive about Fred.   I’m being very careful with that. There are things I will not do.

4:47pm

I am so excited for you!  It’s great that you get to have fun!

4:47pm Phil

I have enough moral conviction not to go there.  I really care for Fred, we have a good time and that’s all I plan to do. I’m very much in love with The Beach Gal so it’s two very different things. I think Fred wants much more.  I need to at least see her and see what I feel.

How was your lunch?

4:49pm

I hope you lose your morals. 

4:49pm Phil

I told The Beach Gal today that I have no intention of sharing her ever.  Men can look all they want, she can have a good time as long as she comes over and kisses me and goes home with me.  There can’t be others.

Why do you say that?

I know for a fact, she would sleep with me if I showed interest. Why lose my morals

4:53pm

I want you to try things, be bold, step out of the crap they saddled us with about guilt and b.s. and enjoy life.  Live your fantasies!  Don’t do anything that will keep you awake at night, but no one cares how many women you’ve been with… or what you do with them or how great you feel…

4:53pm Phil

My problem is I really care for her a lot.  I don’t want to lead her on, I don’t want to fuck her and leave her.  If we go there, I want it to mean something. We have been friends for so long, pretty hot for each other for as long, I know it would be very intense and very good but I’m afraid she would blow my mind

I care baby.  It’s not a guilt thing. I care about both these women, probably love them both. Will I kiss her, hug her, hold her hand, most likely.

4:55pm

What has been the key all along?  Honesty… openess… sharing… letting it out when you are so used to keeping it bottled up.  Your mind could use some explosions.

I am not advocating for either one…

4:57pm Phil

Yeah maybe but these are people with feelings and hearts.  Neither is someone I picked up in a bar and cared little about.

Fred would rock my world if I let her.  The Beach Gal already has. So did you.

4:59pm

I know that if you had stuck to straight and narrow, we would never have happened… and The Beach Gal wouldn’t have… you won’t relax around Fred. .. and we are somehow the key to your happiness.   So roll with it…

But I have always been a shameless hussy, so what do I know?!

5:02pm Phil

I’m a pretty sensitive person I think.  I’ll relax around Fred – we could always do that. I am so afraid of letting my guard down, a simple kiss turning into so much more, the touch of a hand, the brush of a hand across a breast. The girl is so frigging hot, she smolders and then that sweet southern accent comes out and I’m toast.

You a hussy?  That’s bullshit.

You are another sweetheart with a big heart and a lot to give. I did not last long around you and we enjoyed some damn romantic evenings and some pretty hot nights.

5:15pm

You are so sweet!  Thank you for saying!

You are very sensitive!  You are going to hurt people but hey, we’re big girls.  We’re taking our chances, putting our best selves out there for you.  Check it out, make your choice. 

I am trying to figure out how to help you deal with The Beach Gal’s flirting.  Don’t worry about the bar guys… they mean nothing. It’s a way of reconfirming her sexiness… acting out just like the exhibitionism, or the other high-spirited stuff you enjoy.  and playing with you.  Like… “See what you’ve got, mister?  You’ve got someone so hot she can… ”  Laugh it off.  Or invite the guy home and let him help you fuck her, whatever.

She is not a finite resource that gets stained or used up somehow by being around men.  The less you focus on it, the less she may do it.  Don’t make it a way for her to get under your skin or she will use it.

Of course… this is a “do what I say, not what I do” situation.  The one thing that makes me sick to my stomach and think of walking out is Hubby’s messing with other women.  But he does it inside our community, in public at parties etc…  bleh.

6:14pm

Thank you for calling!  That was fun.

6:50am Phil

I did!

7:45am Phil

Slept well. Still got issues but I at least feel better today. Got bigwig coming today, going to be a big one!  Off I go.  Have a great day!

7:54am

Good morning!  I’m off to the podiatrist, then running our holiday open house! Whee!

8:00am Phil

Well enjoy! Have fun with the open house. We have to talk some time. I need some serious advise.  Heard a lot yesterday that really shook me. Not sure how to wrap my head around it all.

1:45pm

Hiya kid.  I survived the sadist podiatrist.  Can’t stand him!  Useless!  My co-workers are decorating for the party and laughing up a storm.  I am trying to flash-thaw shrimp.  I am here for ya kid.  Hope I can help.

3:20pm Phil

Hey Sass,

    I find myself in a bit of a conundrum.  The Beach Gal makes the earth move for me.  Just one of those people who you meet that just does it for you.  I truly love her to death.  We shared several months together 4 years ago and it was just blissful.  I got talked into going home by kids, family, and events. I made a bad call and went home for all the wrong reasons.  I should have stayed with The Beach Gal, I know that.  She was freshly divorced at the time and the sweetest thing.  Over the past four years, we have been unable to stay away from one another and we have carried this thing on for years with very strong feeling between the two of us.  There were periods of months where we had almost no conversation or contact at all. Over the four years our lives have continued to move along.  The Beach Gal has always needed attention.  She needs to be loved.  That’s kind of a neat thing.  She likes to have a drink or two and is fine with a couple.  When she has too many, she can become unpredictable and sometimes mean and nasty.  Not so good.  I have been away up here so there was very little contact between us, mostly phone and messages.  The Beach Gal being The Beach Gal, needs the attention.  She had bought a small house and there were several little dive bars nearby.   She started hanging out in those places and met this guy who paid attention to her and the next thing you know she was all about him.  That lasted a month, was hot and heavy and then Mr. Wonderful turned out to not be so wonderful.  Back to me, then there was the episode with my pal.  Both got hammered on tequila and ended up naked.  He was unable to perform due to the amount of booze he had but it still happened and it really bothered me.  She told me nothing happened, and then slipped when she was drunk one night.  My pal filled in the blanks.  We get past that and are marching towards finally being able to do something without the military constraints.  I thought that in November, she suddenly got tired of waiting.  I found out last night that this new guy started hanging around in July and has been working it the entire time. She gave up in November.  I went on a winery tour.  Bought a shit ton of wine, stayed overnight.  Trust me it was not a romantic getaway.  It was just a trip to buy wine.  That was the turning point for The Beach Gal. The next week she called me to say she was done.  I did not know there was another guy till that night I saw a post from him saying sure do love ya.  Told me this was not something new.

    We talked yesterday and I told her, I could get over just about anything but I needed her to be committed to me. She was all about it.  Last night, Mr. Wonderful comes by and tells her he won’t let her go and he loves her.  I get the call that she can’t do it, can’t break this guy’s heart.  Tells me he is such a sweet guy. Then tells me he is impotent, has a drinking problem, buys her shots in the bar even though she does not like to do shots and then she gets hammered and ends up flashing her tits in the bar.  I guess that’s what he is into.  He hits on and touches other girls in the bar and I think if he gets a better offer, he will jump at it. She is really struggling with this and that’s hard. Either you want me or you don’t.  We have much work to do, lots of talking, lots of forgiving to move forward but she has to want me.  If I get divorced, I’m giving up about half my earnings a year, a house, most of my possessions, my friends and some family to do this.  Am I being stupid?  When we are together, it’s so relaxed, so comfortable.  We snuggle on the couch, play darts, dance, laugh, sing.  We go for long walks on the beach.  We touch and it’s electric.  It’s just an unreal feeling.   I’d give up everything to have that every day.  It means that much to me.

     My wife is reliable, a very nice woman, we get along great, we have fun together in a tame sort of way.  She keeps me in check but there is none of that intense feeling, never was, not even in the beginning.  You and I had a fire, intensity.  It was super charged.  Hell, we still do.  Never felt that even once with my wife. I can continue to live the safe, comfortable life but I want so badly to feel that fire and intensity, to want to touch every second, to sleep wrapped up around each other, never wanting to be separated enough that we don’t touch.  I want to kiss and break away breathless, heart pounding. I want to have hot, sweaty sex.  I need passion.  My wife and I don’t have it.  We are a very nice prim and proper couple.  We do what everyone expects us to. We are so fucking boring.  The Beach Gal and I were unpredictable, fun.

   She has become accustomed to going out and howling at the moon.  Not my thing.  I don’t do dive bars.  I like nice little places with good food, a nice selection of beer and wine, a band.  I go to have something to eat, dance a little, have a few drinks and go home. Will she find me suddenly boring? Sitting on the couch in my arms may not be enough.  It’s all I want but it may not be enough.  The song says, baby, you’re all that I want when your lying here in my arms.  So true.  This is so hard.  I know people who took the safe route, kept the money, the house, stayed in the bland relationship.  They found their joy in life elsewhere. Travel, golf, whatever. I know people who took the leap, left everything behind and chased happiness.  Some found it and are such joyful, fun people to be around.  Others are still looking but are also pretty happy with their life. Do what they want when they want.  What do you do?  I want this girl so much but I am so afraid I won’t be enough for her, that she will be restless, bored.  She is ten years younger as well.  Will she stay when I am not as mobile?  I expect that by 90 or so, I am going to start to slow down some.  

I need a Sass pep talk.  Maybe I worry too much.  Nothing I can do at this point.  Her call and then see where it goes I guess.  I just don’t know.  I do know, if she chooses the other guy, I will never go back.  I’ll zip my heart up and take the safe road forever.

How’s that for a mouthful?  I hate podiatrists.  That stuff friggen hurts.  Just glad I don’t have feet issues.

Enjoy the party! 

4:00pm Phil

Going to take the night for you to read this. The Beach Gal’s Girl friend says she wants us to fight over her.  She likes the fact that two guys are playing tug of war over her.  I’m not fighting anyone.  That’s juvenile.  She needs to unfuck this and make a call. easy as that i guess. Would you like two guys fighting over you?  That’s real cute till it actually happens and one of them hurts the other.  Seen that scenario play out a couple times and one of them got hurt bad.  One went to the hospital, the other to jail. Stupid, I’m not playing that game. Make a choice and deal with it.

6:19pm Phil

This just keeps evolving.  My brain says one thing, my stupid heart says the opposite.  What does it know? Distance makes things so hard and neither of us wants to hurt anyone but some times someone has to be hurt. I love my wife but she deserves a man who thinks she hung the moon, who wants to touch her every time he sees her.  That’s just not me and that’s just not fair.  She supported me through my time in the military and she will take away a nice pension for it.  She won’t be poor or destitute.  She’s a classy lady, she will find a good man who earns well and can take care of her in the style she’s accustomed. Why can I not shake this girl?  Why am I so eaten up?

8:09pm Phil

Having a beer and burger alone at the club. Nice. Hope you are enjoying the evening.

8:12pm

Hiya kid.  Party came off well.  I came home and collapsed…3 hr nap!

8:21pm

Read over all you’ve written… Hope it helps to write – I often find explaining stuff to you helps me decide what I think.  I have questions and ideas for you… but sounds like you are still processing and I should let you do that before butting in.

8:42pm Phil

I have simply decided that I love her. She makes me happy. She is quirky and kooky. She got a little lost but she has such a beautiful soul and such a wonderful heart. I let her down, we let each other down and I want to spend the rest of my days making up for it. Speak away baby. Needed to talk, vent, helps. I get it out and it’s gone.

8:51pm 

🙂

8:56pm Phil

That’s it? Or did I get it right?

8:57pm

If you’ve decided, it’s all good.  And it feels right to me.

It was good when you were together before? Then it can be again.  I just want you to be happy.

9:04pm Phil

Oh my god, I was never happier

It’s fabulous when we are together. Hard when you are separated by half a country.

What do you think?

We had so much fun.

9:07pm

Once you are together, it will be fine.  But this time, when there are problems, you’re going to speak up.  You are not going to suffer in silence.

My sister says, “I have these conversations with my husband in my head and I get really mad at what I think he’d say and wonder why he doesn’t change…”

9:09pm Phil

She was not the problem. My inability to give myself completely was the issue. She never felt I was completely devoted to her. Won’t screw that up again

Ahh, yeah me too. Get spun up over nothing

9:10pm

Oh, this is so exciting!

I was just looking at the photos of the same-sex couples getting married in Seattle… so much love, emotion… people together 38 years… there was a big group reception for them all, with the governor and the first dance was “At Last.”  Awww….

Saw a couple in uniform… thought of you.

9:15pm Phil

Got the house to myself. Got a fire going, NCIS on, nice scotch, cock in my hand. Love it!

9:17pm

Oooh, nice.

9:17pm Phil

Ha ha just feels good

9:18pm

Want to call and spread it around my way?

[He called me and we helped each other cum]

9:35pm Phil

Thank you baby 

[photo of his gorgeous cock in his hand]

Very hot,

Love it 

[photo of his living room fireplace with a roaring fire]

Had fun. Thanks babe.

 9:47pm

The naughty kitty 

[photo of my slit]

And one more because you’re so bad it’s good. 

[another photo of my slit]

9:54pm Phil

Umm, thank you . That pussy needs a cock in it

9:56pm

You are most welcome.  Yes… need it bad.

10:06pm

It’s almost criminal what your voice does to me… yummmm.

10:09pm Phil

I’m glad 🙂

Year 2 Week 49

11:34am Phil

Morning! Have a great day!

12:01pm 

Good morning to you!  Heading into staff meeting.   How was the game? 

1:43pm Phil

Was a blast. Heading out for fish tacos and calamari tonight

5:44pm

Just drove thru hail!  Yowza!
Headed to a work bbq for departing Co-worker.
Have fun w/ fish!

1:12am Phil

Hey girlie

1:12am

Hiya kid

1:12am Phil

how ya doing

1:14am

Peachy

You?

1:17am Phil

good. relaxing after an evening at the beach

1:17am

Stunning photos!

1:18am

pretty place

1:18am

Indeed!

1:19am Phil

Very laid back beach town, great food

1:19am

Nice!

1:20am Phil

yeah, had a good time

1:21am

That’s great.  You deserve it. 

1:23am Phil

love fish tacos and this is the place for them

cold beer fish tacos and calamari strips

yummy!

1:23am

I couldn’t figure out what those strips were… never seen calamari like that.

1:24am Phil

squid are much bigger on this side. you can get calamari steaks

tender and delicious

1:24am

Hunh… never heard of that!

1:25am Phil

got lobster too. going back for lobster enchiladas

Thursday is two dollar fish tacos and two dollar drafts

awesome!

1:26am

*drool*

1:26am Phil

about time to get naked and go to bed

1:27am

mmmm…

1:28am Phil

I do sleep that way

always have

1:29am

Call me and I’ll tuck you in.   

1:33am

Call me at (room phone)

Tuck or fuck?

[I called him and sat at Hubby’s desk talking to him until he came about 2 am.  🙂 ]