I drove home thinking… it had its moments but I didn’t want to see him again.  I have never thought that after a meet.  I’ve had some bad times but always thought it might be better a second time.

The Good

It was fun to play with a toy at last, and he was very good to let me do it to him in return, but I wish he had been more gentle.  He fucked me well for the 5 minutes he was inside me in two positions.  Okay.  Whatever.  

The Bad

He made me very sore in the first five minutes… didn’t listen when I asked him to slow down.  I didn’t get asked if it was okay to do any particular thing, or if I was cumming,  or if I wanted to do anything else.  I got one compliment, and no good reaction to anything I did except suck on him and I didn’t get to do it in a position that let me show off my skills…. i.e. where I could see his face.  It was his show all the way.  I just don’t… like him.  And more and more I find myself needing to like a guy in order to be inspired to do intimate things with him.  No cuddling.  Not much kissing.  Bleh. 

The Ugly

He had wrecked my insides.  I could feel the blood trickling out as I was thinking bad thoughts about him!  I draw the line at bleeding. 

I spent the rest of the ride home thinking of Philip and Simon, wishing I could see them again instead of doing this crap.  

I texted him.  “Home. Thanks.” 

He texted me, “ 🙂 “ 

It’s really sad… gorgeous body, his own place, no need for much stealth, close to me geographically, good conversation and… I don’t want him.  I don’t feel safe or comfortable with him in the bedroom.  It’s like “what will he make me do next?”  And “how will he hurt me next time?”  Ugh.  I feel like the law of averages caught up with me.  My luck turned bad.  13 is an unlucky number! 

Let that be all.  Not only him, but all of AM.  I am done with this fuck and run stuff.  Sex is not enough.  I need someone to be nice to me.  To say nice things.  Maybe give me a single flower.  Or go out for dinner.  Treat me like a lady.  Listen to me in bed.  I need to stick up for myself and find the right guy.  But for now, I give up.  Shelve this one under “older and wiser” and move on.  *sigh

The next morning I was talking to a blogger friend online and more thoughts coalesced.  Bloggers are the best people!  

Like most men – he does what he wants, the way he wants – I might as well be a blow up doll.

It had its moments but….not what I wanted.  And not close enough in any direction to think I could make it into something good.  And it hurt.  I am still bleeding.  The more I analyzed it, the more violated I felt.  And it felt like it could get worse!  So sad… nice guy outside the bedroom but in the bedroom – silent, rough, didn’t pay any attention to me, just did what he wanted.   Please don’t let him want more!  

I did write to ask if he’d send me the video he made.  He said the battery died and he only got about a minute.  (Which was a lie.  I saw the light flashing as I left the bedroom).  I asked him to send whatever he had.  I never heard from him again.  

I’m done.  How can I meet anyone else?  How can I trust my judgement?  Back on the shelf.