October 10, 2010 

[From my private blog]

Can “falling in love” really be like a fall?  Like, you’re walking along, minding your own business, and then you see something and WHAM!  You’re flat on your face on the pavement of love? 

It feels like that is happening to me.  I have mostly been able to avoid thinking that I still love Philip.  In fact, I had decided that I don’t.  That I can just have fun.  Not get mired in all the love morass like before. It took me a long time to scrape myself off the pavement last time.  Don’t want to go back.  And yet it doesn’t feel like a surprise.  I had a great time with him.  He was incredibly sweet and has continued to be that way.  I loved him before… even if I forgot, why would that stop?  I turned my life over to him for 39 hours and all he did was cherish me and make me feel special and tell me things and take me to amazing places. All so comfortable and natural. 

Then tonight I was looking at a random photo of him at Oktoberfest.  Just toasting the camera.  Looking straight at it.  It felt like he was toasting me, looking directly at me.  Smiling.  And suddenly my heart was melting and I was thinking, “HOLY CRAP! I am still in love with this guy.” So I looked away.  Figured it was a momentary thing, just a fluke. 

But then I looked again later.  Same reaction.  My man.  My love.  Oh, dear… It felt like I had locked a door, and suddenly he is pouring into my heart through all the windows! 

Maybe it is just lust.  After all, I’ve been grabbing that face and kissing it all week.  But it is not a sexual feeling.  It’s more.  I am completely calm.  Oh, dear… 

This is not going to make him happy.  May scare him away altogether.  But what if he has decided he loves me, and is afraid to say it?  Afraid to scare me away?  Arrrrgh!

Now what?!

Don’t panic.  Don’t take it as a given.  Sleep on it.  Look again tomorrow.  Maybe you can pick yourself up and go back to the fun stroll.  There’s nothing to be done about it tonight anyway.  Or tomorrow. You can’t tell him in a frickin FB msg.  Or an email.  Or a text.  Maybe on the phone?  Doesn’t seem right.  Suddenly the urge to go back to D.C. as soon as possible takes on new urgency. 

*sigh*

But what am I going to say?  “Houston, we have a problem.” “Say what?” “Um…I know this is inconvenient, but I…well… I love you. Again.” and he is going to break my heart.  Again.  He has made it clear over and over it is just fun.  There is no leaving his wife.  There is no being together forever.  There may not even be anything after he moves.  Very clear.  But that was before he was inside me.  Before he trotted around to my side of the car over and over when he knew I would grab him and kiss him.  Before I introduced him to new foods.  Before I didn’t cry at the airport because I knew something special had happened and all I could feel was joy. 

Crap. Crap. Crap. 

I need to be with him.  I need him to be hugging me.  Have just kissed me.  I need to look up into his eyes and make sure he is paying attention and say it.  Watch his reaction.  Wow… so don’t have the courage for that. 

Ok.  Stop.  Let it ride.  Be calm.

Yet it feels totally right to end with the song from the musical “1776” that Abigail and John Adams sing as they sign off their letters to each other.

“I am, as I ever was, and ever shall be…. yours, yours, yours, yours, YOURS”

Crap.